Male Diagnosis

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, tell me in plain English what is the matter with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy!"

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Why Cats Are Better Than Men

1. A CAT always hits the litter box.

2. Better chance of training a CAT.

3. No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it.

4. You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.

5. If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.

6. A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.

7. You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.

8. It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.

9. You don't have to worry about your CAT turning into a pig when you host a party.

10. A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks he is.

11. If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

Never Touched

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and wired it all together; ...an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. This was the first time he had seen them.

She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these breasts." He immediately drops his pants and replies,......"Look at this, .....it's still in the CRATE!"

Set Him Free

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free...

It must be a man!

Guide To Men's English

• "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

• "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

• "I'm tired" = I'm tired

• "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

• "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

• "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

• "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

• "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

• "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I'd like to have sex with you

• "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

• "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

• "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

• "I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

• "I love you" = Let's have sex now

• "I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

• "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

• "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

• "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Men And Parking Spots

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small

Men and the Weather

Q: How are men and the weather alike?
A: Nothing can be done to change either of them.

10 Reasons God Created Eve

1. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
2. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!).
3. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
4. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
5. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
7. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
8. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
9. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that"

Communication

A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"
"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks.
The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means..."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Understanding

There are only two times in life when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before the wedding and after the wedding.
 

If Women Ruled The World ...

a.. Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
b.. PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
c.. Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
d.. Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pocket.
e.. A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
f.. Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 30 pounds.
g.. Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
h.. "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
i.. Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
j.. Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
k.. Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks".
l.. Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
m.. Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles because there would be no pictures.
n.. Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful" and "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit".
o.. Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
p.. Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
q.. Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
r.. All toilet seats would be nailed down.
s.. Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
t.. TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
u.. All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
v.. During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
w.. Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
x.. After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot. For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.
by Kate, Columbia, Md.

 

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Three Rings

Q: What are the three rings of marriage?
A: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring and Suffering