George W. Bush's Resume

George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, D.C. 20500

Past Work Experience

• Ran for congress and lost.
• Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
• Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas;
  company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
• Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that
   took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move:
  Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
• With father's help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.

Accomplishments in Previous Positions

• Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made
  Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

• Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most
  smog-ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government
  to the tune of billions in borrowed money. 

• Set record for most executions by any governor in American history.  

• Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes,
  with the help of my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments As President

• Attacked and took over two countries.
• Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
• Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
• Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in
  any 12-month period.
• Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
• First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
• First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
• First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation
  by any president in U.S. history.
• After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over
  the worst security failure in U.S. history.
• Set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any other president
   in U.S. history.
• In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
• Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any presiden
  t in U.S. history.
• Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
• Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any
  president in U.S. history.
• Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president
  since the advent of television.
• Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any
  president in U.S. history.
• Presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to
   intervene when corruption was revealed.
• Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to
  use the national reserves as past presidents have.
• Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
• Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the
   streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest
  against any person in the history of mankind.
• Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
• My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
• Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history
  (the 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleezza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
• First president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously
  go bankrupt.
• Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any
  country in the history of the world.
• First president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation
   of a sovereign nation.
• Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of
  the United States.
• Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than
  any president in U.S. history.
• First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from
  the human rights commission.
• First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from
  the elections monitoring board. 
• Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional
   oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
• Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
• Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
• Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer
  abide by the Geneva Conventions.
• First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors
  (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
• All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
• My biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate
  bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
• Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
• First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the
   will of the United Nations and the world community.
• First president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied saying
   the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
• First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
• Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year
   made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest
  diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
• With a policy of 'disengagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations
   in at least 30 years.
• Fist U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view
  my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
• First U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by
  the U.S. than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
• Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
• Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by
   not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
• Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive.'
• Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at
   the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
• In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I have successfully prevented any public
   investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
• Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in
   U.S. history.
• In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the
  most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.
• Entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years
  turned every single economic category heading straight down.

Records and References

• At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been
   erased and is not available)
• AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
• Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
• All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's
   library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are
   sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in
  secrecy and unavailable for public view.
• Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy
   policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
• For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (they can be
  reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)