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California's Letter of Secession
Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory over all us
non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here
in California, so we're leaving you. California will now
be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States
with us. In case you are not aware, that includes
Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin,
Michigan, Illinois, all of the North East States, and
the urban half of Ohio.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be
beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in
the new country of California. In fact, God is so
excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country
at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let
everyone know they need to be back in their states by
then. God is going to give us the Pacific Ocean and
Hollywood. In addi! tion, we're getting San Diego.
(Sorry, that's just how it goes.) But God is letting you
have the KKK and country music (except the Dixie
Chicks).
Just so we're clear, the country of California will be
pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war. Speaking of
war, we're going to need all Blue States citizens back
from Iraq. If you need people to fight in Falujah, just
ask your evangelical voters. They have tons of kids
they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely
no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show
pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.
So, you get Texas and all the former slave states, and
we get the Governator and stem cell research. (We would
love you to take Britney Spears off our hands, though.
She IS from the south, right?)
Since we get New York, you'll have to come up with your
own late night TV shows because we get MTV, Letterman,
the Daily Show, and Conan O'Brien. You get... well, w!
hy don't you ask your people at Fox News to come up with
something entertaining? (Maybe you should just watch
Crossfire. That's a really funny show.)
We wish you all the best in the next four years and we
hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of
mass destruction. Seriously. Soon.
Sincerely,
California
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