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Thinkers Anonymous
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at
parties now and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably,
though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more
than just a social thinker. I began to think alone --
"to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and
finally I was thinking all the time. That was when
things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned
off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.
She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and
employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I
began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read
Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied
and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing
here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like
you, and it \hurts me to say this, but your thinking has
become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the
job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking ..." "I know
you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think
as much as college professors, and college professors
don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we
won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She
exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in
no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out
the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some
Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the
radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't
open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe
that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass,
whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the
standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am
what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA
meeting.
At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last
week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about
how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still
have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed ... easier, somehow, as soon as I
stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly
complete for me. Today, I registered to vote Republican.
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