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What Makes a Happy Child? |
Ten things that you can do to raise a happy person.
By Lorraine Glennon
Ask any expectant or new mother about her aspirations
for her baby and almost invariably she will say
something along the lines of "I just want my child to be
happy."
As grown-ups, of course, we know that happiness is often
elusive. And a sunny disposition may have as much to do
with nature (the genetic hand we've been dealt) as with
nurture (external circumstances). Even where the latter
is concerned, experts are far more certain about what is
not relevant (such as money) than what is. What happy
people do have in common, say researchers who have
studied the subject, are certain key characteristics,
including a good sense of optimism, close family ties,
good friends, a gift for empathizing with others, and
the conviction that their life has meaning.
For a new parent, then, the burning question is "What
can I do to increase the odds that my child will have
these things?" Part of the answer is fairly obvious:
Accept your child for who she is, not who you think she
should be. Be attentive to her needs, take her fears
seriously, and really listen when she speaks to you.
Above all, make sure she knows that you love her without
qualification.
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But these principals, worthy as they are, are somewhat
abstract. What a parent really wants is a concrete way
to achieve these ends. While we can't offer a foolproof
recipe for happiness, we have come up with a top-ten
list of not-so-obvious ways to steer your child toward
her place in the sun.
1. Tap into tradition.
Whether it's eating dinner together, observing birthdays
and holidays, or reading bedtime stories every night,
nothing is more valuable to your family than
establishing rituals and traditions, says William
Doherty, PhD, author of Take Back Your Kids: Confident
Parenting in Turbulent Times (Sorin Books, 2000).
Capital-T traditions -- lighting Sabbath candles or
making Christmas cookies from a recipe passed down from
your great-grandmother -- are important because they
lend meaning to your child's life, reinforcing the bonds
among family members and anchoring her to something
beyond the purely temporal. Equally precious, however,
are the small, seemingly inconsequential customs and
rituals that are unique to your immediate family -- the
fact that you order Chinese food on Friday nights, say,
or compose a funny poem for your child's first day of
school each year. The familiarity and predictability of
these routines make a child feel safe.
2. Say it with a song.
Claims that listening to classical music will make your
child smarter are greatly exaggerated, but there is no
doubt about music's mood-altering qualities. In ancient
times, music and musical instruments were believed to
have powers that healed both the body and the mind. In
modern times, countless teachers have documented the
therapeutic effects of song (in one 1996 study at the
University Hospitals of Cleveland, children who listened
to "I've Been Working on the Railroad" while getting an
inoculation felt less pain than those who didn't have
music played for them). And most of us know from
everyday experience that a great song lifts our spirits
and eases stress. After all, it's pretty hard to be in a
bad mood during a rollicking rendition of "Old McDonald
Had a Farm," especially if the whole family joins in.
3. Be community minded.
Active participation in your community sends at least
two important messages to your child. When you coach a
Little League team, for example, or pitch in at your
preschool's fund-raiser, your child realizes that what
matters to her matters to you. And that gives her
confidence a powerful boost. But on an even more
fundamental level, your involvement underscores the
value of community itself. It makes kids feel that they
are part of a larger whole, and that individuals can
affect others in a positive way. Not surprisingly,
research has also found a strong correlation between
altruism and happiness, so why not get your child
involved in helping others? Take her along when you
volunteer at a local soup kitchen, or join in a
neighborhood cleanup. Even young kids can discover the
satisfaction of giving back.
4. Curb your cynicism.
We live in an age of ironic detachment, so you may not
always be aware of the corrosive effect your flip
comments have on your child. Yet a cynical attitude can
take a huge toll on your child's sense of security, a
crucial component of happiness. Kids need to believe
that the world is a good place and that people are
basically decent. Never mind that you have concluded
that your child's teacher is an idiot or that your
elected officials are incompetent. When you voice these
opinions, you undermine your child's faith in the people
and the institutions around her. As a result, she may
begin to view the world as a scary place.
5. Encourage your child's passions.
Happiness researchers agree that being truly absorbed in
a challenging task is perhaps the surest route to
happiness. Being completely caught up in an activity can
be achieved through all sorts of endeavors, from stamp
collecting to painting to automobile repair. That's why
it's important to expose your child to a wide range of
experiences to see what appeals to him. This is not, we
hasten to point out, an endorsement of the frantic
overscheduling that has befallen so many children. The
idea is to make your child aware of all that's
available, allowing him to gravitate toward one or two
pursuits that are meaningful to him. Even if your child
throws his intellectual and creative energy into what
will almost certainly be a passing fancy -- collecting
Pokemon cards, for instance, or playing basketball
morning, noon, and night -- the ability to totally
immerse himself in an activity he loves will give him a
leg up on happiness throughout his life.
6. Raise a nature kid.
In today's high-tech world, most of us don't take enough
time to enjoy Mother Nature. Yet an appreciation of the
natural world, with its dazzling array of everyday
miracles, nourishes us in innumerable ways. Nature
engages all of a child's senses, encourages reflection
and acute observation, and helps stimulate the
recognition of a just and purposeful existence, says
Colleen Cordes, a founder of the Alliance for Childhood
based in Takoma Park, Maryland. In other words, the
inherent order we see in nature gives rise to a similar
feeling in us. The certainty that each year the snow
will melt and make way for crocuses, and that the green
leaves of summer will deepen into orange and brown,
provides a vital antidote to the frenetic, high-tech
world most of us inhabit.
7. Bring home a four-legged friend.
Deciding whether to get a pet can be tough for parents:
The commitment of time and energy is huge and (your
child's assurances to the contrary) most of the pet care
will end up being your responsibility. Still, there's
convincing evidence that taking it on is worth the
effort. According to Gail F. Melson, author of Why the
Wild Things Are: Animals in the Lives of Children
(Harvard University Press, 2001), pets often provide
reassurance when kids are worried and afraid. And kids
absorb crucial lessons about empathy, loyalty, and
attachment from the animals they love. Through nurturing
pets and investing emotionally in them, children learn
to care for and look after others, says Melson. In
addition, pets make children feel valued and competent.
Remember that a pet doesn't have to be a dog or a cat;
guinea pigs, rabbits, and even small reptiles make
lovely and relatively low-maintenance pets. If a pet is
out of the question, your child can still get exposure
to animals through visits to a zoo or nature center.
8. Make your house a home.
The advice to sharpen your housekeeping skills may seem
trivial, but maintaining a pleasant domestic environment
for your children is more important than you might
think. If your house is disorganized or messy, kids are
less likely to want to have friends over. Keeping things
neat and in place give kids a feeling of peace and
contentment. However, you don't want to turn into a
compulsive neat-freak. Comfort is a big part of
happiness, and kids need to feel free to run, jump, get
dirty, and be occasional slobs in their own homes -- by
themselves and with their playmates.
9. Serve happy meals.
As adults, most of us are aware that eating healthily,
under pleasant, unhurried conditions, makes us feel
better in both body and spirit. Children, though, rarely
have that much insight into themselves. That's why it's
up to parents to make mealtime a positive experience
from an early age. That means turning off the TV,
sitting down together as a family, and eating nutritious
foods. The difference in kids' dispositions (not to
mention their health) can be dramatic. In February 2003,
ABC's Good Morning America reported on a secondary
school in Appleton, Wisconsin, that saw its discipline
problems plummet after it overhauled its lunchtime
routine. Round tables replaced the standard rectangular
ones in the cafeteria to create a more relaxed,
convivial atmosphere, and the menu began featuring fresh
fruits and vegetables, whole-grain breads, and
additive-free entrees instead of the standard pizza,
soda, fries, and vending-machine junk. To the amazement
of the school's principal, discipline and behavioral
problems decreased dramatically after the new program
was introduced. Just imagine how your kids will benefit
if you do this same thing at home.
10. Get physical.
This advice cuts two ways. First, show your children
lots of physical affection: hugs, kisses, back rubs,
tummy tickles. Apart from demonstrating that you're
crazy about them, touch has the power to relieve stress
and elevate mood. Second, you get your kids moving.
Whether it's because strenuous activity releases
feel-good brain chemicals such as endorphins (as one of
the most popular theories maintains) or simply because
meeting a physical challenge confers a positive feeling
of achievement, a mountain of research has established a
link between regular exercise and psychological
well-being. In addition, children who are physically fit
have a more positive body image than those who are
sedentary. Finally, it's just plain fun for kids to run,
jump, swim, ride bikes, and play ball -- ideally, with
you joining in. After all, isn't having fun the most
basic definition of happiness?
The information on this Web site is designed for
educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a
substitute for informed medical advice or care. You
should not use this information to diagnose or treat any
health problems or illnesses without consulting your
pediatrician or family doctor. Please consult a doctor
with any questions or concerns you might have regarding
your or your child's condition
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